Monday, October 8, 2012

Grace for Me

I am writing today's post for me.  If it fits with any of you other mamas out there, then welcome.  I read back through my blog posts the other day.  I read a post that I didn't publish from over a year ago.  It sounded much the same as any day actually.  The house needed to be picked up.  The children needed different things.  The work just seems to be endless.  It was disheartening for me.
Henry and I were looking at pictures from the past several years.  They were the most adorable pictures of the kids.  The girls were giving sweet smiles, coloring pictures, crawling around.  Guess what I saw?  I looked right past those amazing beautiful blessings and could only notice the mess (or lack of a mess) in the background! What a sad realization for me.
I feel that I forget to enjoy each day.  I am always (or at least I feel that I am) a one step behind, five minutes left, one more thing left on the list kind of mama.  I actually took a day off of work Friday to get "caught up" around the house.  I worked like a crazy person for about 5 hours.  I didn't finish my list (that one in my head that includes everything being spotless and ending with browsing the latest copy of Southern Living leisurely on the back porch).  I turned the tv in the kitchen on so that I could have some noise.  I don't know that I will ever get used to a quiet house again.  In my heart, I hope that I don't.  Anyway, I watched Paula Dean and just ended up hungry.  So I switched on Joyce Meyer.  The subject of her show was forgiveness.  I had heard her quote before about forgiveness being a gift that you give yourself.  I have used it multiple times to remind myself that it does more harm to you than the other person for you to hold on to bitterness.  I can sincerely say that I don't have a problem with that.  I considered choosing another show in the series to this one just didn't apply to me. :)  About that time, her daughter was interviewed.  She said "I really don't have anyone in my life that I need to forgive.  I thought this didn't apply to me."  She got my attention.  She went on to say that the one person that she couldn't seem to give forgiveness to was herself.  She just couldn't give herself a break.  Why is it that we as women put such an impossible standard before us that we set ourselves up for failure.  There is no possible way that I can do all of the things that I need to do each day.  My perspective on this is my problem.  When I visit the homes of other working moms, I give them grace.  I think "Oh, they are busy."  I cannot seem to extend that same grace to myself.  I get worked into a panic over the thought of all that I have "to do."  I am ashamed to say that my mood can quickly turn from pleasant to horrible with just a look around at any mess.
If you read this and you have advice on how to reset my button in my brain to a default that will allow me to relax in the midst of chaos...please chime in.
I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  I am working to learn to enjoy the moments.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Being a mama

It has been a long time since I have written here..and I miss it.  Thoughts roll around in my head. They pound to get out.  They get pushed aside. I fall asleep overwhelmed with all that I have done, with all there is to do. My mind is crowded. I think I have serious "brain fog" and I am not sure how to get rid of it!  Anyway, here I am.  Here I am to pound it out onto this keyboard.  As the last of my dishes sit in the sink.  As the clothes to be folded mound on the couch.  As the dryer finishes up uniforms that need to be hung for tomorrow...I will write.
I have learned a lot since I last wrote. My oldest son graduated from high school last May.  My child who just started to crawl walked across a stage and made me so proud when he received his diploma and graduated with honors.  My little boy who needed help to reach the pedals on his red tricycle yesterday is now flying airplanes...big real ones that leave the ground.  Going "up up up" is not something that I read to him in a storybook anymore.  It is really where he goes when he packs that suitcase.  He is in another state tonight in a hotel room on a job related trip.  As of last weekend, he has an apartment.  How in the world will I know when he falls asleep?  How will I know if his room is too cold or too hot?  Does he have an alarm set?  He has been independent for some time so this is not ALL new....but it still stings when I write it or say it out loud.  He has wanted to be grown since he was in kindergarten....and now he is.  I am so proud of him and so thankful for his successes. did your thing.
My youngest son (the baby for 10 years) is growing up too fast. He is almost as tall as I am.  He sings and plays his guitar with a passion that I feel sure is straight from the Holy Spirit.  With each chord he sings, his voice seems to become a little deeper.  How could I not be proud?  He is living out what I have whispered over him since I was buckling him in his car seat. "Be in the world and not of it."  Time is pressing on and he will be in high school next year.
My sweet LG started preschool. She brought me to tears last night. I climbed into the bed with her and she said "You are the best moma in the whole world."  I replied "and you are the best four year old in the whole world."  Then she said "I don't want to grow up to be a lady because you won't be my moma like this."  Break my heart.....put it back together again. What you don't know sweet daughter is that you are mine forever.  You are my daughter.  You are part of my heart walking around here on Earth and I will always, always be your moma like this.
Annabeth and Amelia still believe that Henry and I hung the moon.  Their belief that my kisses really make "owies" better is humbling.  When Annabeth reaches up and says "I want to hold you" just so that she can wrap those skinny little legs around me....heavenly.  Amelia's funny expressions and her bass voice just keep us laughing.  Her belly laugh is contagious.  They are always together.  Annabeth looks for "Nina" and Amelia looks for "Efeth" constantly.  That love.  That love of sisters.  Knowing you don't have to be lonely. You have a best friend.  I pray they always remain close.  Sharing. Listening. Most of all....Loving.
I love you my children.  You make me who I am.  You were all designed perfectly to be my children.  My love for you is unconditional.  My love for you will always remain. It is closer than the kissing hand.  It is farther than the moon and back.  It is greater than anything that you can imagine.  Only God could love you more...and He does.  We you.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Such a long time without much to say.  My mind is all over the place as I read of loves lost, lives lost, hope lost.  Tonight I just want to say thank you.  There are so many people around me who are hurting in such big ways.  I have nothing to give but praise for my life.  I am so thankful to part of a bigger plan.  I may not know the hows and the whys of it...but it is greater than I am.  It is greater than any of my hopes and dreams and my best laid plans could ever make it out to be.  I don't know how this story ends, but I am so energized by the pure genuine love of so many people. There is a God who knows my every need, my heart's desire, my fears, my failures and he loves me anyway.  He blessed me with a family who walks with me through this vapor called life.  I am thankful.....for each blessing.