Grace for Me

I am writing today's post for me.  If it fits with any of you other mamas out there, then welcome.  I read back through my blog posts the other day.  I read a post that I didn't publish from over a year ago.  It sounded much the same as today...as any day actually.  The house needed to be picked up.  The children needed different things.  The work just seems to be endless.  It was disheartening for me.
Henry and I were looking at pictures from the past several years.  They were the most adorable pictures of the kids.  The girls were giving sweet smiles, coloring pictures, crawling around.  Guess what I saw?  I looked right past those amazing beautiful blessings and could only notice the mess (or lack of a mess) in the background! What a sad realization for me.
I feel that I forget to enjoy each day.  I am always (or at least I feel that I am) a one step behind, five minutes left, one more thing left on the list kind of mama.  I actually took a day off of work Friday to get "caught up" around the house.  I worked like a crazy person for about 5 hours.  I didn't finish my list (that one in my head that includes everything being spotless and ending with browsing the latest copy of Southern Living leisurely on the back porch).  I turned the tv in the kitchen on so that I could have some noise.  I don't know that I will ever get used to a quiet house again.  In my heart, I hope that I don't.  Anyway, I watched Paula Dean and just ended up hungry.  So I switched on Joyce Meyer.  The subject of her show was forgiveness.  I had heard her quote before about forgiveness being a gift that you give yourself.  I have used it multiple times to remind myself that it does more harm to you than the other person for you to hold on to bitterness.  I can sincerely say that I don't have a problem with that.  I considered choosing another show in the series to watch...as this one just didn't apply to me. :)  About that time, her daughter was interviewed.  She said "I really don't have anyone in my life that I need to forgive.  I thought this didn't apply to me."  She got my attention.  She went on to say that the one person that she couldn't seem to give forgiveness to was herself.  She just couldn't give herself a break.  Why is it that we as women put such an impossible standard before us that we set ourselves up for failure.  There is no possible way that I can do all of the things that I need to do each day.  My perspective on this is my problem.  When I visit the homes of other working moms, I give them grace.  I think "Oh, they are busy."  I cannot seem to extend that same grace to myself.  I get worked into a panic over the thought of all that I have "to do."  I am ashamed to say that my mood can quickly turn from pleasant to horrible with just a look around at any mess.
If you read this and you have advice on how to reset my button in my brain to a default that will allow me to relax in the midst of chaos...please chime in.
I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  I am working to learn to enjoy the moments.

Being a mama

It has been a long time since I have written here..and I miss it.  Thoughts roll around in my head. They pound to get out.  They get pushed aside. I fall asleep overwhelmed with all that I have done, with all there is to do. My mind is crowded. I think I have serious "brain fog" and I am not sure how to get rid of it!  Anyway, here I am.  Here I am to pound it out onto this keyboard.  As the last of my dishes sit in the sink.  As the clothes to be folded mound on the couch.  As the dryer finishes up uniforms that need to be hung for tomorrow...I will write.
I have learned a lot since I last wrote. My oldest son graduated from high school last May.  My child who just started to crawl walked across a stage and made me so proud when he received his diploma and graduated with honors.  My little boy who needed help to reach the pedals on his red tricycle yesterday is now flying airplanes...big real ones that leave the ground.  Going "up up up" is not something that I read to him in a storybook anymore.  It is really where he goes when he packs that suitcase.  He is in another state tonight in a hotel room on a job related trip.  As of last weekend, he has an apartment.  How in the world will I know when he falls asleep?  How will I know if his room is too cold or too hot?  Does he have an alarm set?  He has been independent for some time so this is not ALL new....but it still stings when I write it or say it out loud.  He has wanted to be grown since he was in kindergarten....and now he is.  I am so proud of him and so thankful for his successes. Time...you did your thing.
My youngest son (the baby for 10 years) is growing up too fast. He is almost as tall as I am.  He sings and plays his guitar with a passion that I feel sure is straight from the Holy Spirit.  With each chord he sings, his voice seems to become a little deeper.  How could I not be proud?  He is living out what I have whispered over him since I was buckling him in his car seat. "Be in the world and not of it."  Time is pressing on and he will be in high school next year.
My sweet LG started preschool. She brought me to tears last night. I climbed into the bed with her and she said "You are the best moma in the whole world."  I replied "and you are the best four year old in the whole world."  Then she said "I don't want to grow up to be a lady because you won't be my moma like this."  Break my heart.....put it back together again. What you don't know sweet daughter is that you are mine forever.  You are my daughter.  You are part of my heart walking around here on Earth and I will always, always be your moma like this.
Annabeth and Amelia still believe that Henry and I hung the moon.  Their belief that my kisses really make "owies" better is humbling.  When Annabeth reaches up and says "I want to hold you" just so that she can wrap those skinny little legs around me....heavenly.  Amelia's funny expressions and her bass voice just keep us laughing.  Her belly laugh is contagious.  They are always together.  Annabeth looks for "Nina" and Amelia looks for "Efeth" constantly.  That love.  That love of sisters.  Knowing you don't have to be lonely. You have a best friend.  I pray they always remain close.  Sharing. Listening. Most of all....Loving.
I love you my children.  You make me who I am.  You were all designed perfectly to be my children.  My love for you is unconditional.  My love for you will always remain. It is closer than the kissing hand.  It is farther than the moon and back.  It is greater than anything that you can imagine.  Only God could love you more...and He does.  We do......love you.

Thankful

Such a long time without writing....so much to say.  My mind is all over the place as I read of loves lost, lives lost, hope lost.  Tonight I just want to say thank you.  There are so many people around me who are hurting in such big ways.  I have nothing to give but praise for my life.  I am so thankful to part of a bigger plan.  I may not know the hows and the whys of it...but it is greater than I am.  It is greater than any of my hopes and dreams and my best laid plans could ever make it out to be.  I don't know how this story ends, but I am so energized by the pure genuine love of so many people. There is a God who knows my every need, my heart's desire, my fears, my failures and he loves me anyway.  He blessed me with a family who walks with me through this vapor called life.  I am thankful.....for each blessing.

B is for Busy

Wow...It seems that is has been forever since I had a moment to blog.  I actually don't "have" a moment right now but I'm going to take it anyway.
Tomorrow we will have been in school for two weeks. (TWO weeks) My thoughts are all over the place.  I LOVE teaching.  I am both energized and exhausted by and from it.  My head and heart are full.....all of the time.  I can't even seem to remember that I was at home with my sweet girls three weeks ago. I miss them. The hours flash by. The days are marked off on my desk calendar.  I feel as if I struggle to keep my head above water.  120 new names to learn. I really want to call them by their name....they are worth remembering.  I pray that I'm making a difference in someone's life.  Did I make enough copies?  Will I ever convince them to listen to the directions?  How MANY times do I really need to say the same thing?  Does each individual need a written invitation to sit down?  I gaze at the couch full of laundry.  I am trying to perfect the packing "everything except the kitchen sink" routine.  I have almost figured out everyone's daily schedule.  The twins don't cry when I rush out of the room in the morning. The time when we first walk through the door from school/work is priceless.  The house is not spotless but it feels good to be here...together.
Holton is settling into his senior year.  He is at home more now than he was during the summer and it is nice to have him here.  Haigan has reconnected with old friends.  He is enjoying praising God through his music and serenades anyone who passes by during his practice time at night.  Lana Grace is as sweet as ever. She wakes up and wants to play hide and seek with her daddy at 6 am.  She "needs a friend" and mommy and daddy are the best ones.  Let us cling to that with all that we are!  Amelia is finally walking.  She is a cuddler and such a beauty.  She is getting curls just like big sister.  Annabeth is a firecracker.  She doesn't just walk...she runs.  She is smart and funny and full of energy!

Too Crowded

The twins climbed into the basket and it was fun for a minute  nanosecond.  No captions are needed. :)

Thursday's God Winks

I recently heard little sightings of sweetness called "God winks." Here are a few that we saw around here today.  I am sure we missed a lot!  Happy Thursday!

I was putting Lana Grace's tops back on her paints and look at that - a PERFECT heart in the yellow!

Someone at the pear factory has read too much Very Hungry Caterpillar - isn't that weird?  What a reminder- Read to your kids!

It started with an egg

No, this is not a post about infertility.  Goodness gracious, I don't know anything about that.  This post is about my meltdown caused by an egg....a dozen of them to be exact.
Here is a little background . :)We have successfully attended our Sunday school class approximately three times since the birth of the twins but someone hasn't taken us off of the email list so I guess they believe there is still hope for us.  I got an email from our Sunday school leader's wife, a sweet friend, asking for help to feed the family members of another class member whose father had passed away.  I really do enjoy serving by sending meals to those who need them.  I already have to cook and it is such a simple way to help.  With that in mind, I told Henry the date and asked him if he would be able to drop it off at the church.  "Yes, we should do that" he replied.  I told him again when I was updated that the location to bring the food had been changed.  After picking up Haigan from the church pool party, I went to WalMart to pick up the (demon-possessed) eggs and a dessert.

I have made deviled eggs probably no less than 50 times.....successfully.  These eggs were different.  These eggs had obviously heard the not so loving conversation that I had with Henry once I got home when he revealed to me that he had a meeting all day which had been scheduled for a while.  He wouldn't be able to drop off the food.  They boiled, they were rinsed with cool water.  I started to peel them...and the white started to ravel like a poorly sewn hem.  First one, I thought oh well...that is why you make more than you need.  I'll eat that one. (I usually offer these to Henry but I was ticked at him - He wasn't getting any!)  Second, third, fourth....
Defeated, I sat down to email my friend to tell her that the devil had truly taken over my "deviled" eggs.  Henry, meanwhile, was devising his own plan to use any staff member available to take this food by the church.  Each plan he came up with made me more frustrated.  My sweet friend said that they had plenty of food. I assured her that if they did not, I would call Domino's!  We both got a laugh at that.
With tears in my eyes, I moved on past that silly little failure.  Things seem so huge when you are in the middle of them!
Bless his heart, my husband called again this morning still trying to figure out how he could help me get food to this funeral.
He is a good man, a great father, and a caring husband.  BUT he will not be getting any deviled eggs for a while!

One of the cult

And thank you, Amy, for picking up a pie to take for me! :)